Death is a part of life that touches us all and is rarely addressed in early childhood education. If you are a teacher who has faced the loss of a student, friend, co-worker, or parent, maybe you understand how personally confronting and awkward it can be to carry on as the leader of your group of children. Death is unavoidable, but we can prepare by learning a bit about the subject and ways to cope.
Ways People View Death
As humans do, we tend to think everyone experiences life the way we do. Falling in love, passing through milestones in life, and death do have qualities that we can point to and see some commonality between our experiences, but how we process these parts of life may be very different.
I look toward the framework created by Jürgen Habermas that categorizes different ways people see truth: objectively, subjectively, and normatively. You can read more about this theory here. When someone dies, the community around that person will view the loss through one or more of these lenses:
Objectively: Thinking of death in this way has us talk about what happened to cause the death. We long for clinical answers, think of our bodies and weaknesses, and maybe focus on the health care the person was receiving—was it enough? Was malpractice at play? Also, we think of the practical side of the death: what will happen to the body? Organ donation? What about the possessions and assets? Who should be contacted about the memorial service? How will the details be paid for? How will the family members and other significant others be cared for mentally, emotionally, and financially?
Subjectively: Deeply personal thoughts are reflected through this orientation toward a death. In this mental space we have our feelings of grief which include pain, anger, depression, sadness, and more of course. We are focused on who this person was to us and maybe questions of who we will be without him or her. These thoughts and feelings are only experienced by us and having another understand our experience falls short when trying to find words. It’s a world unto itself where only we have access. If someone in our community dies that we are not close to, oftentimes the loss can trigger unresolved grief from our past. It is very natural to become emotional when there is a death.
Normatively: We are born into and live in social communities. These communities all have spoken or unspoken rules of how we relate to each other and life events, including death. This is the cultural perspective of experiencing death. What should you do or feel? It relates to the “shoulds” around death. Some cultures have rituals that have been passed down for generations and last for days. Others, have the surprised family members making decisions around how the lost life will be honored or not, what happens to the body and possessions, and all of the other details. Will you post an obituary in the paper? Do you cover all of the mirrors in the loved ones’ home for a certain number of days? Do you wear black to the funeral or bright colors? If you look, you can see a “should” attached to all of these questions. When you are in the space of “what should I do? What should happen?” you are coming from your cultural perspective.
Reflect on the three different orientations toward death and remember when you are speaking to someone (child or adult) who has encountered the loss of a loved one, they are coming from one or more of these orientations. Death can be a shock and without thinking, people find themselves mired in one of these orientations as they process the loss. Of course, depending on the relationship with the lost loved one, people we engage in all of these thoughts to different degrees and at different times.
As a caregiver of young children, you can use this framework as a tool for engaging with the children, their families, and co-workers if a death occurs in your community. I have found this awareness helpful to me when I have been judgmental about how someone is responding to a death—I remember that my perspective is not the only one, everyone comes from a different place, and we are all doing the best we can.
How Small Children Process Grief
There used to be a time when it was believed that infants and toddlers did not experience grief when a loved one died—they were considered too little to understand. But, of course, psychological research showed that yes, even the youngest of us experience grief around the loss of a loved one.
Jon Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, and Harry Harlow were all researchers who developed what is known as attachment theory. All have concluded that healthy attachment to one or more care providers is important to healthy development early in life. When one of those care providers dies, young children feel the loss. If you are providing care for a young child after a death you may see Bowlby’s theory of the three stages of loss in very young children: protest, despair, and then detachment. There may be a time of increased agitation and crying followed by detachment from seeking attention or getting needs met.
Jean Piaget’s theory of intellectual development through stages, is another resource for us to think about when approaching the subject of death and young children. In the sensori-motor stage of development, birth to 18-24 months, reality begins as very concrete: if I can see it and touch it then it exists. Around 7 to 9 months infants begin to learn object permanence, meaning they understand that something or someone still exists if taken out of the room. Huge developmental leaps occur during this stage related to cognition, mobility, and language. We can’t know what a child truly understands at this time in life about death based on this theory, but we can have a better understanding of what we can do to provide support for their development. Given the grief process described by Bowlby, we can guess that a lot of energy would go toward these hard feelings therefore less energy is available for learning and growth which can cause developmental delays.
Preschoolers, toddler through age 7, pass through Piaget’s pre-operational stage which is marked by fantasy thinking; language development; and emerging understanding of cause and effect, time, and symbolism. As a preschooler processes a death, you may hear fantastic stories about the afterlife and God, see play frames that include death, and hear many questions about the subject:
- Will I die one day?
- Will my cat die?
- Will my mom die?
- How did those people die?
- Will I ever see grandma again?
- What is death?
- Will this table die?
- Will dad ever be happy again?
A grieving preschooler may regress developmentally for a bit. He may begin wetting the bed, start speaking in two word phrases, or suck his thumb again. You may also see increased worry and anxiety about being separated from her parents and changes in the routine. Increases in temper tantrums and emotional outbursts are also normal, or the opposite, instead she may become withdrawn or even mute after the trauma of a significant loss. Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep are also normal.
Supporting a Very Young Child When Someone Dies
So there has been a death, now what do you do to support a child in your care or the whole group????
Infants, toddlers, and preschoolers all need these things:
- Consistency: in the adults caring for them, in their environments, and in their routines
- Love and kindness: extra affection and attention
- Normalcy: when there is a death, it’s definitely not business as usual, but life and living does go on
The actions listed above are necessary for healing and support for infants and toddlers during their grieving process. They need secure consistent caregivers and predictable schedules to affirm that they are safe, secure, and cared for. Mobile infants and toddlers need opportunities to play in a variety of ways including physically active ways to process hard feelings.
Preschoolers also need consistency, love and kindness, and normalcy as they recover from the death of a loved one. Preschoolers believe they are the center of the universe, engage in magical thinking, and are learning about cause and effect, therefore, we must meet them where they are developmentally. Given what we know about this stage there may be confusion about death being reversible, temporary, or partial; belief they caused the death; and a study showed that many preschoolers believe death is a departure of sorts, that life goes on for the deceased in another place.
We help preschoolers by reassuring them that they are safe and their needs will be met, and it’s best to follow a child’s lead as they process the loss. If they need to talk, talk with them, if they need to be alone, create a space in your room where they can comfortably get some time alone. If they need to scream and hit, let them know that you will go outside with them so they can scream, and provide them with something they can hit besides their friends.
Anger is normal and needs physical outlets or it could turn to aggression toward themselves, others, or things. I have found that art work with dry erase markers can be very physical and therapeutic when dealing with anger, also pounding on play-doh, running races, jumping, and hitting pillows or other soft things, are other safe ways children can release hard feelings.
You may see themes of death, dying, and funerals pop up during play. Stay close and be prepared to guide the child or group through questions or hard feelings—this can be quite confronting! I have been struck by the candor of preschoolers and unsure about play frames where everyone dies over and over again (jumping off a boat into shark infested waters.) But I remember that play is therapeutic and they are trying to make sense of new concepts. And, it’s my job to show up and lovingly engage them in reflective listening and open ended questions to support them in coming to terms with all sorts of things simple and complex.
Addressing the Group
I would say from a developmentally appropriate perspective, addressing the group would generally only apply to preschoolers. If a death effects the entire group, you may consider a class meeting to discuss what has happened. Work with your director on contacting the family of the deceased to learn what they are comfortable with you discussing. You must also contact the families of the children in your care before the meeting to let them know about your plan. They can then choose the best way to support their child. They may keep their child home or come in to join the meeting or leave it to you.
Consider having extra adults to help support the children and help you address questions and concerns. Keep it simple, say that so-and-so has died (see the ideas for what to say in the next section), tell them to come talk to you when they need to, and that when someone dies it’s normal to have a lot of questions and different feelings. Then be open to their questions and feelings. Have a plan in advance about what you will say about the death and let them know what they can do to express their feelings in safe ways.
You can help the group heal by creating a group project such as drawing pictures for the family who has experienced the loss. This can be on a large piece of paper or you can collect individual pictures to mail. Planting a tree in the memory of someone is another way to honor the loss. Some schools have created fund raising drives in honor of the deceased if the death was from an illness such as diabetes or cancer. Donations are collected and sent to the appropriate organization in the child’s or adult’s name. Group activities like these are found to be therapeutic to all involved.
Talking with Young Children about Death
Very young children also need truthful, loving, and reassuring communication about what has happened. Here are some examples of what to say:
- “You will always have someone to love and care for you.”
- “Daddy’s body stopped working; his heart stopped beating and he doesn’t breathe anymore, he died.”
- “Suzy is crying because she is sad that Twyla died. She misses her very much. We all feel sad when someone we care about dies” (hospice booklet)
- “I don’t expect to die for a long time—there will always be someone to care for you.”
You must follow a child’s lead on this however. Very young children may not understand what you are saying but they need to be respected through honest communication. Adults often contort around the conversation due to their own discomfort, which is understandable, and we must give ourselves a break if we just can’t bare telling the truth to a young child. However, misinformation is common when talking to children about death and creates more confusion than understanding. For example, here are just a few ways people describe death:
- “she’s pushing up the daisies now”
- “he’s passed away”
- “she’s gone to a better place”
- “bit the dust”
- “bought the farm”
- And more!
The more esoteric or spiritual beliefs should be explained by close family members, therefore, if it comes up with you during the day, you can say, “I don’t know, let’s ask Mama when she picks you up later.” I read in a hospice pamphlet that the idea of heaven comes up all over the world and is the most common story about what happens to our souls after death. This story is known to universally provide comfort to a grieving child (or person!), but it’s up to her family not you (if possible) to talk about this part of death.
Some Thoughts to Remember
Other things to remember are to remove emotional triggers from your classroom, focus on normalcy, and never make an example of a grieving child. If a child’s father died on farm equipment, you might consider removing all farm related items from your play environment for a while such as books, toys, and pictures. Such items can be difficult reminders to the child while she is processing her grief. A child will find comfort in seeing that life carries on by engaging in the normal routines of the day. Also, she should never be singled out to teach the other children about dealing with death, or in any other way. We are taught to look for “teachable moments” but this is not the time to do so about death and dying.